|
Flossy is well known to many on the British Dressage Forum as a teller of interesting stories and perhaps the odd joke or two. We have selected a few tales for your pleasure.
|
Olympic tales with tails
The internet is full of un attractive thought provoking images of horses ridden prior to their dressage tests in the Olympics.
The public as usual in these situation are split right in the middle, those that shout catch them and hang them these images are so disturbing we rather our children watched porn on the internet then be exposed to these obscene pictures of horses subjected to what can only be described as equine S&M, and those that claim that the first lot are ignorant and clue less.
The FEI as always took the initiative and picked up the dirt by the clean end , in a robust press release , they assured the public that things are not as they seem only more so , all offenders will be warned and stewards will be equipped with new set of diagrams applicable to the never changing circumstances of international dressage, they are also considering the use of a modern, laser guided visor suitable for all weather to be worn by stewards around the arena, similar to those supplied to judges some years ago but with out the personal recognition facility.
During the press conference the FEI press officer admitted that a rider was seen using extreme neck position not sanctioned by the FEI, a muttering voice at the back of the room responded to this statement,”BAR,,,D”
The press officer continued
“ our stewards warned the competitor that his horses nose band will not pass the two figure test if applied with the new measuring device, again a muttering voice from the back of the room “BAR,,,D”.
Last but not less serious , the competitor was seen, and dealt with, riding his horse in the late evening behind the tribunes with tight DRAW REINS ,the voice from the back of the room erupted like a volcano “BA,,,D BAR,,TD THE EFF,,,G B,,,RTD”
“Calm down Sir , we know how you feel about this matter ,rest assure the FEI is dealing with it in its usual effective manner at that very moment” said the FEI press officer.
“no you don't know how I feel” the voice from the back of the room replied “I just asked the BA,,,D the other day if he could lend me a per of draw reins and he said he haven't got any”
During the dressage competition the efficient commentator kept the public informed about each and every competitor, name of horse and rider, past form and background and obviously expected scores (as usual a result copy was made available to all official prior to the competition ) .As the Spanish combination circled the arena the commentator announced on the public address system “The next horse in the ring will be Don Diablo ridden by Juan Alfonso Miranda Tavers don Netto, from Seville”, a short pause and then he added “ bly me, surly they cant all ride the same horse at the same time”
Watching the team dressage competition was a German couple , obviously enthusiastic , keen and knowledgeable about dressage. Every time a good test which earned high scores was performed, the husband in a most un British manner will show his approval, he will shout , clap his hands wave flags etc, to the amazement of all the other spectators, this respect was given to any competitor from any country provided the test was good.
His wife noticed the other spectators bewilderment about this sporting behaviour and said that he is always like this, enthusiastic and appreciative of good dressage , what ever the nationality of the rider is.
Still not understanding this generous attitude to wards competitors of other teams, one of the spectators asked “So what will he do if a German rider got a winning score?”
The wife thought for a moment and said “I don't really know we haven't been married that long”
The arena and the footing surface to all account were out standing, but to those that don't know it was a touch and go to have any surface.
The first kind of footing was not accepted by the jumpers as too soft, the next type to be tested was rejected by the dressage riders as too hard, the eventers commented that non felt natural.
The whole situation gave every one involved a total headache, the arena manager at his wits end approached the surface supplier and said “I want a surface that will be as smooth and firm as my wife's bottom”
to which the supplier said “why didn't you say so at the beginning I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN”
It is not often that GB wins a dressage and jumping medals, in matter of fact it is for most people once in a life time experience if you live long enough.
To celebrate this one in a life time event all equestrian Olympians with their entourage of helpers sponsors etc were gathered together for a TV interview.
The presenter opened the evening by saying “well guys I imagine this is the best thing ever” from the rear of the crowd a voice was heard “not quite, good sex BETTER”
One of the medal winners replied “no! no! winning a medal beats every thing”
The voice from the back of the room “disagree nothing beats good sex”
So it goes back and forth for few times , winning is better ,sex is better , until the interviewer tries to resolve the argument turned to another Olympian for his/her opinion, “what is your opinion, is winning a medal the best thing ever, or would you go to what the voice from the rear recommends?”
After a long pause the reply was “the only thing I know is, that winning a medal is more OFTEN”
Selecting organizing and managing a team for the Olympics is a much more involved job then most people think, In order to get the best team performing on the day team captains has to insure that they have enough available up to standard candidates to cope with the inevitable dropping casualties .
One team captain suffered more then most, to start with 2 of his team members were stopped on the M 25 driving on the wrong side against the flowing traffic, when asked by a polite English police man “and where do you think you are driving to” they replied “we were going to the Olympics but we are probably to late as every one seems to be on their way back” that accounted for the captains first coronary,
Then he lost a horse to lymphangitis and another one for laminitis and a blinded rider with conjunctivitis . On the day of the competitions he noticed that his last remaining top rider was not in the warm up arena as supposed to be.
He shouted to the groom “what's wrong with Katrina lee jones”
“She is suffering from a bout of femalenitis “ replied the groom
“that's not an ailment “ the captain growled
“Oah yes it is” the groom said “according to my dad my mother suffered from it all the time”
The public as usual in these situation are split right in the middle, those that shout catch them and hang them these images are so disturbing we rather our children watched porn on the internet then be exposed to these obscene pictures of horses subjected to what can only be described as equine S&M, and those that claim that the first lot are ignorant and clue less.
The FEI as always took the initiative and picked up the dirt by the clean end , in a robust press release , they assured the public that things are not as they seem only more so , all offenders will be warned and stewards will be equipped with new set of diagrams applicable to the never changing circumstances of international dressage, they are also considering the use of a modern, laser guided visor suitable for all weather to be worn by stewards around the arena, similar to those supplied to judges some years ago but with out the personal recognition facility.
During the press conference the FEI press officer admitted that a rider was seen using extreme neck position not sanctioned by the FEI, a muttering voice at the back of the room responded to this statement,”BAR,,,D”
The press officer continued
“ our stewards warned the competitor that his horses nose band will not pass the two figure test if applied with the new measuring device, again a muttering voice from the back of the room “BAR,,,D”.
Last but not less serious , the competitor was seen, and dealt with, riding his horse in the late evening behind the tribunes with tight DRAW REINS ,the voice from the back of the room erupted like a volcano “BA,,,D BAR,,TD THE EFF,,,G B,,,RTD”
“Calm down Sir , we know how you feel about this matter ,rest assure the FEI is dealing with it in its usual effective manner at that very moment” said the FEI press officer.
“no you don't know how I feel” the voice from the back of the room replied “I just asked the BA,,,D the other day if he could lend me a per of draw reins and he said he haven't got any”
During the dressage competition the efficient commentator kept the public informed about each and every competitor, name of horse and rider, past form and background and obviously expected scores (as usual a result copy was made available to all official prior to the competition ) .As the Spanish combination circled the arena the commentator announced on the public address system “The next horse in the ring will be Don Diablo ridden by Juan Alfonso Miranda Tavers don Netto, from Seville”, a short pause and then he added “ bly me, surly they cant all ride the same horse at the same time”
Watching the team dressage competition was a German couple , obviously enthusiastic , keen and knowledgeable about dressage. Every time a good test which earned high scores was performed, the husband in a most un British manner will show his approval, he will shout , clap his hands wave flags etc, to the amazement of all the other spectators, this respect was given to any competitor from any country provided the test was good.
His wife noticed the other spectators bewilderment about this sporting behaviour and said that he is always like this, enthusiastic and appreciative of good dressage , what ever the nationality of the rider is.
Still not understanding this generous attitude to wards competitors of other teams, one of the spectators asked “So what will he do if a German rider got a winning score?”
The wife thought for a moment and said “I don't really know we haven't been married that long”
The arena and the footing surface to all account were out standing, but to those that don't know it was a touch and go to have any surface.
The first kind of footing was not accepted by the jumpers as too soft, the next type to be tested was rejected by the dressage riders as too hard, the eventers commented that non felt natural.
The whole situation gave every one involved a total headache, the arena manager at his wits end approached the surface supplier and said “I want a surface that will be as smooth and firm as my wife's bottom”
to which the supplier said “why didn't you say so at the beginning I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN”
It is not often that GB wins a dressage and jumping medals, in matter of fact it is for most people once in a life time experience if you live long enough.
To celebrate this one in a life time event all equestrian Olympians with their entourage of helpers sponsors etc were gathered together for a TV interview.
The presenter opened the evening by saying “well guys I imagine this is the best thing ever” from the rear of the crowd a voice was heard “not quite, good sex BETTER”
One of the medal winners replied “no! no! winning a medal beats every thing”
The voice from the back of the room “disagree nothing beats good sex”
So it goes back and forth for few times , winning is better ,sex is better , until the interviewer tries to resolve the argument turned to another Olympian for his/her opinion, “what is your opinion, is winning a medal the best thing ever, or would you go to what the voice from the rear recommends?”
After a long pause the reply was “the only thing I know is, that winning a medal is more OFTEN”
Selecting organizing and managing a team for the Olympics is a much more involved job then most people think, In order to get the best team performing on the day team captains has to insure that they have enough available up to standard candidates to cope with the inevitable dropping casualties .
One team captain suffered more then most, to start with 2 of his team members were stopped on the M 25 driving on the wrong side against the flowing traffic, when asked by a polite English police man “and where do you think you are driving to” they replied “we were going to the Olympics but we are probably to late as every one seems to be on their way back” that accounted for the captains first coronary,
Then he lost a horse to lymphangitis and another one for laminitis and a blinded rider with conjunctivitis . On the day of the competitions he noticed that his last remaining top rider was not in the warm up arena as supposed to be.
He shouted to the groom “what's wrong with Katrina lee jones”
“She is suffering from a bout of femalenitis “ replied the groom
“that's not an ailment “ the captain growled
“Oah yes it is” the groom said “according to my dad my mother suffered from it all the time”
