|
Flossy is well known to many on the British Dressage Forum as a teller of interesting stories and perhaps the odd joke or two. We have selected a few tales for your pleasure.
|
Dressage Diva Training
One of the most noticeable characteristics of the British “Dressage Diva” is the inability of the species to operate in close proximity to other members of the same species, which in plain English means that one Dressage Diva can not ride at the same time with another Dressage Diva in the same arena , in most cases it applies not only to other DDs but also to ordinary (male) dressage riders.
In other European countries there is a mathematical equation closely adhered to that the smaller the arena more riders you shove into it.
The Dutch and German Divas know that Diva or not they have to cope with multitude of natural hazards in the arena like children on ponies practicing prince Albert games, parents exercising dogs while the kids having a treble lunge lesson (one trainer with three Haflinger ponies on the lunge one behind each other at the same time), push chairs driven a long the arena , a vaulting group in bright coloured leotards occupying one end of the arena and 12 riders working in for the next GP test, all that while by the short side of the arena the local um-papa band are tuning their instrument for next week opening ceremony of the local show.
In contrast to that a British Dressage Diva requires space a lot of space . The normal habitat of the British Dressage Diva is an arena of minimum size 50 meters on 80 meters with signs all around it reminding those that have not noticed, that dressage is in progress and act accordingly , “no heavy breathing please,” “be quit” “ if you cant be quit then dont be here” “no children under the age of 27 allowed around arena” “ all relatives and other animals to be kept on leads ( husbands with chain chokes)” “Maximum number of riders permitted in this arena at any one time is you and only you”.
For the selectors of British Dressage this phenomenon pauses a big problem , although they have a large number of capable Divas to select from for the coming season the demands for their only warm-up arenas or no spectators show makes them a non viable candidates for competitions held on the other side of the Channel.
In order to solve the problem British Dressage in conjunction with the BEF contracted a well known German trainer with years of experience of Divas management.
Once the fee was agreed and the remit identified which meant a free hand to do what ever he wants as long as the end result is that at least 3 British Dressage Divas can function in the same arena at the same time with out being distracted or mesmerised by who is riding or wearing what.
The first training secession took place at the Unisex centre which boasted one of the biggest - indoor arenas in the uk, it was an observation of warm up technique and a test riding to determined the European team in case our current selected riders fall by the way side.
Although at the time there were only two Divas prancing around the arena it was very clear that the senior Diva was displeased with this un natural arrangement, even when the junior Diva was tucked away in a corner she still posed an uncomfortable presence in the arena.
The senior Diva halted next to the BEF performance manager, that was standing by the arena together with the German Diva manager, “no way that I can train for a championship under these conditions “ . “no way that she can train for a championship under these conditions” the performance manager relayed to the German Diva manager who with out raising his head from the daily zietung he was readding asked “how many more Divas to you have on this course” “about 3 more” was the reply “call them all in, test riding will commence in an hour” continued the German Diva manger still with out raising his eyes off the zeitung he was reading.
after very short time the most senior of the Divas halted next to the performance manager and in a tone of voice resembling a pony club district commissioner with a grudge for BD and modern times “”it is me or them I can not work in with them breathing down my back AND SHE WAS ON THE DIAGONAL WHEN I WAS DOING MY FREE WALK ON A LONG REIN” pointing at a 15 year old would be Diva on a voluntary poo picking duty.
“Just ride the performance manager“ said “you signed a form to abide by all BD rules and regulations ” and with out looking at the German Diva manager added “CALL IN THE REINING TEAM the reserve one as well they are going to European championship too”.
It was a hot day in the indoor arena , dust was every where as the school was not equipped with one of them wonderful “DUST FREE RIDE WATERING SYSTEMS”.
With sweat dripping down her brown dust covered face an ordinary Diva halted next to the two managers “I cant practice my 20 meter circles there are people doing gymnastics on a horse by A” “off with this excuse young lady what will you think about when you are 16” and to the performance manager “shell we call in the pointers that asked if they can practice in the indoor school because the ground is so hard out in the fields”
When every one was happily tucked in and the only possible exercise to ride with out collisions was the halt , the German Diva manager instructed the ground man to shut all doors windows and air vents.
The air was stagnated ,the only exercise practiced with enthusiasm by the Divas was a free walk on a loose rein (on the other hand the reiners were practicing slides and spins their new trainer from Holland Ms van gruesome adjusting the Stetsons when ever they got miss placed and the endurance riders engaged in a bit of pairs relays between gallops and blood drawing - for drug testing).
20 minutes before the test riding due to start the most junior of the Divas was sent to the two managers and pleaded on behalf of the whole of the dressage community “could we please have the windows open please please Sir” the German Diva manager that was actually a bit of a softie nodded to the ground man and also indicated to the reinres that they have done enough unnatural horsemanship for one day they can leave the arena , the vaulting crowd finished their gymnastics and left on their own feet .
15 minutes to test riding and as the dust settled it was noticed that few horses were actually walking on the bit performing some half passes and shoulder ins.
“EVERY BODY NOT DOING DRESSAGE TEST leave arena please” shouted the BEF performance manager “ AND OPEN ALL DOORS AND AIR VENTS” ADDED THE German dressage Diva manager” as the arena lighted up for all to be seen a most un usual sight within BRITISH DRESSAGE , 5 British Dressage Divas all with smiles on their faces, minutes before a test, warming up efficiently, courteously leaving all eyes intact , not a moan in hearing distance.
AND WHO SAID YOU CANT TRAIN AN OLD B,,,,,,, NEW TRICKS
In other European countries there is a mathematical equation closely adhered to that the smaller the arena more riders you shove into it.
The Dutch and German Divas know that Diva or not they have to cope with multitude of natural hazards in the arena like children on ponies practicing prince Albert games, parents exercising dogs while the kids having a treble lunge lesson (one trainer with three Haflinger ponies on the lunge one behind each other at the same time), push chairs driven a long the arena , a vaulting group in bright coloured leotards occupying one end of the arena and 12 riders working in for the next GP test, all that while by the short side of the arena the local um-papa band are tuning their instrument for next week opening ceremony of the local show.
In contrast to that a British Dressage Diva requires space a lot of space . The normal habitat of the British Dressage Diva is an arena of minimum size 50 meters on 80 meters with signs all around it reminding those that have not noticed, that dressage is in progress and act accordingly , “no heavy breathing please,” “be quit” “ if you cant be quit then dont be here” “no children under the age of 27 allowed around arena” “ all relatives and other animals to be kept on leads ( husbands with chain chokes)” “Maximum number of riders permitted in this arena at any one time is you and only you”.
For the selectors of British Dressage this phenomenon pauses a big problem , although they have a large number of capable Divas to select from for the coming season the demands for their only warm-up arenas or no spectators show makes them a non viable candidates for competitions held on the other side of the Channel.
In order to solve the problem British Dressage in conjunction with the BEF contracted a well known German trainer with years of experience of Divas management.
Once the fee was agreed and the remit identified which meant a free hand to do what ever he wants as long as the end result is that at least 3 British Dressage Divas can function in the same arena at the same time with out being distracted or mesmerised by who is riding or wearing what.
The first training secession took place at the Unisex centre which boasted one of the biggest - indoor arenas in the uk, it was an observation of warm up technique and a test riding to determined the European team in case our current selected riders fall by the way side.
Although at the time there were only two Divas prancing around the arena it was very clear that the senior Diva was displeased with this un natural arrangement, even when the junior Diva was tucked away in a corner she still posed an uncomfortable presence in the arena.
The senior Diva halted next to the BEF performance manager, that was standing by the arena together with the German Diva manager, “no way that I can train for a championship under these conditions “ . “no way that she can train for a championship under these conditions” the performance manager relayed to the German Diva manager who with out raising his head from the daily zietung he was readding asked “how many more Divas to you have on this course” “about 3 more” was the reply “call them all in, test riding will commence in an hour” continued the German Diva manger still with out raising his eyes off the zeitung he was reading.
after very short time the most senior of the Divas halted next to the performance manager and in a tone of voice resembling a pony club district commissioner with a grudge for BD and modern times “”it is me or them I can not work in with them breathing down my back AND SHE WAS ON THE DIAGONAL WHEN I WAS DOING MY FREE WALK ON A LONG REIN” pointing at a 15 year old would be Diva on a voluntary poo picking duty.
“Just ride the performance manager“ said “you signed a form to abide by all BD rules and regulations ” and with out looking at the German Diva manager added “CALL IN THE REINING TEAM the reserve one as well they are going to European championship too”.
It was a hot day in the indoor arena , dust was every where as the school was not equipped with one of them wonderful “DUST FREE RIDE WATERING SYSTEMS”.
With sweat dripping down her brown dust covered face an ordinary Diva halted next to the two managers “I cant practice my 20 meter circles there are people doing gymnastics on a horse by A” “off with this excuse young lady what will you think about when you are 16” and to the performance manager “shell we call in the pointers that asked if they can practice in the indoor school because the ground is so hard out in the fields”
When every one was happily tucked in and the only possible exercise to ride with out collisions was the halt , the German Diva manager instructed the ground man to shut all doors windows and air vents.
The air was stagnated ,the only exercise practiced with enthusiasm by the Divas was a free walk on a loose rein (on the other hand the reiners were practicing slides and spins their new trainer from Holland Ms van gruesome adjusting the Stetsons when ever they got miss placed and the endurance riders engaged in a bit of pairs relays between gallops and blood drawing - for drug testing).
20 minutes before the test riding due to start the most junior of the Divas was sent to the two managers and pleaded on behalf of the whole of the dressage community “could we please have the windows open please please Sir” the German Diva manager that was actually a bit of a softie nodded to the ground man and also indicated to the reinres that they have done enough unnatural horsemanship for one day they can leave the arena , the vaulting crowd finished their gymnastics and left on their own feet .
15 minutes to test riding and as the dust settled it was noticed that few horses were actually walking on the bit performing some half passes and shoulder ins.
“EVERY BODY NOT DOING DRESSAGE TEST leave arena please” shouted the BEF performance manager “ AND OPEN ALL DOORS AND AIR VENTS” ADDED THE German dressage Diva manager” as the arena lighted up for all to be seen a most un usual sight within BRITISH DRESSAGE , 5 British Dressage Divas all with smiles on their faces, minutes before a test, warming up efficiently, courteously leaving all eyes intact , not a moan in hearing distance.
AND WHO SAID YOU CANT TRAIN AN OLD B,,,,,,, NEW TRICKS
