Flossy is well known to many on the British Dressage Forum as a teller of interesting stories and perhaps the odd joke or two. We have selected a few tales for your pleasure.

Mattress and a TV

A mattress and TV ; Another National championship another overnight stay in the horse box , another confirmation that money can’t buy everything . However expensive and luxurious ones horse box is , there are two issues that the horse box manufacturers industry have failed to resolve . These issues are not limited to one or two specific make of horse boxes, but are applicable across the whole industry . You can have the biggest , the most technologically advanced horse box, with the human living more palacious than the QE-2 and still the bed will fail to provide the comfort needed after a hard day of competing. The other un resolved horse box issue is that even if one have an all singing all dancing TV SATELLITE set up, IT IS guaranteed to fail just when the Mrs start to ask what you thought about her riding effort at the show . The high profile horse boxes manufacturers pride themselves on incorporating the latest technologies in the building OF HORSE BOXES and the latest technological addition is the use of “Memory foam mattress “ in the Luton’s bed. Basically it means . That on the way to the show every pothole , speed bump or road hump get embedded into the memory of the relevant travelling mattress of this home from home bedroom . At the end of a long day , just when ones needs to give old bodies a little respite, these pot holes , lumps and bumps in the “Memory foam OF THE mattress “ come into life of their own . Locating a comfortable place in this king size bed is like searching for the elusive rein contact . One moves from hump to bump to sink down a pothole. As a good night sleep is unlikely to happened ones turn on the Satellite tuned Television for some distraction , to find out that the only vision on the screen is the “NO SIGNAL SIGNE”. After 23 minutes of TV rage one call the helpline to be told that this is expected as the transmitting satellite just moved 1 degree off the plumb line to your receiving dish placed on the roof of your all trotting all galloping horse box . The polite lady on the other side of the phone assuring you that signal will resume once the satellite completed its orbital trip around the planet and returned to its original location . “AND WHEN WILL THIS HAPPENED ?” one ask with a restrained voice . “ year 2049 , June 17th 3pm to be precise “ is the answer one gets from the polite lady on the other side of the phone . This is when second level TV rage starts to take over “ I , I ,I neeeeeeed it now , I want to watch TV now ,I CAN’T F,,,NG SLEEP “ “Well Sir you will have to retune your box than !!!” “HOW THE F,,,,CK DO I DO THAT , I am a dressage rider not an electronic engineer “ your less polite reply . “Easy Sir , just press ALL the buttons on your TV box , SIMULTANEOUSLY exactly when you hit the menu button on the remote “ explains the polite lady on the other side of the phone. “BUT THERE ARE 13 OF THEM BUTTONS and the remote !!!”. All this was reconfirmed as honest accurate description of reality by my good friend JG of Supernova fame , in spite of the fact that her horse box was built by a leading manufacturer of these palaces on wheels and cost more than the refurbishment of Windsor castle , she refrained from spending a night in her horse box as her partner (of the time) refused to ENTERTAIN such thoughts without the two essential elements for a good relationship ;PROPER BED and A TV . She continued “it is all sorted , Mr Oakley is there now; retuning the TV and flattening the mattress, assured her that problems are solved for life . The next morning there she was by the arena ,fresh as a daisy with a look of contentment on her face. She raised a thumb up “ MATTRESS was perfect smooth as a baby’s bum “ she said . “And the TV ?” I asked. “With a mattress like this who have time for the TV “ she gave a JG giggle